My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies."

Women are like elephants to me; they're nice to look at but I wouldn't want to own one.

"I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here."

"Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water."

The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.