Long experience has taught me that in England nobody goes to the theatre unless he or she has bronchitis.

"Don't pity me now, don't pity me never;
I'm going to do nothing for ever and ever."

The Englishman can get along with sex quite perfectly so long as he can pretend that it isn't sex but something else.

Theatre director: a person engaged by the management to conceal the fact that the players cannot act.

"New Year's Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time."