Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.

If the grass is greener in the other fellow's yard -- let him worry about cutting it.

Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.

"We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion."

"A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized."