I'd hate to be a teetotaller. Imagine getting up in the morning and knowing that's as good as you're going to feel all day.

"When Jerry Lewis and I were big, we used to go to parties, and everybody thought I was big-headed and stuck up, and I wasn't. It was because I didn't know how to speak good English, so I used to keep my mouth shut."

"If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt."

I once shook hands with Pat Boone and my whole right side sobered up.

"When your opponent's sittin' there holdin' all the aces, there's only one thing to do: kick over the table."